Chunky Soup part 2.

Chunky soup was such a pushover last time, and this is actually routed in truth (less salt tastes bad) So I gave it another go.

Dear Chunky Soup.

I'd like to begin by telling you how much I enjoy your brand of hearty flavorful meals. In fact, it took me about 2 minutes to get this far in my letter because I'm forced to stop, and enjoy this bowl of Chicken vegetable soup that sits steaming in front of me.
(I'm now taking another break to eat...Om nom nom)

I do however have 2 minimal complaints to share with you. First I should begin by telling you I am a minimalist. I have a single room mate (who constantly steals my chunky soup to fuel his never ending quest to set a push-up world record. You should endorse his efforts) and we keep a very clean apartment. I'm a proponent of the Feng Shui. Everything in it's place. Balanced, and minimal. So I was appalled today when I went to open up a can of my favorite soup, with it's "easy lid" opening mechanism, only to find it had been replaced with a boring old REGULAR can lid. As part of my minimal lifestyle, I don't own a can opener. I don't believe in them. They clutter up my drawer. They're unsightly. And frankly, good design in cans has rendered the noble can opener obsolete.

(eat break... Om nom nom)

So now what do I do... I must fetch one from my neighbor, who I don't particularly get along with due to her children peeing in my yard... but that has nothing to do with this, does it?

So.. grumpy, and needing to purchase a can opener (which will mess up my Feng Shui) I finally sit down to eat my bowl of Chicken Vegetable soup.

(eat break.... Om nom nom)

Only to find... it doesn't taste very good. Gone is the kick that made my mouth sing with ecstatic culinary joy. Gone is the flavor that, much to the anger and frustration of my mother, had me choose Chunky over a home cooked meal. (It really pissed her off when I did that...)

I then read the can.
"25% less salt"
WHY would you DO THAT?! They don't say "Salt of the earth" for nothing?! Salt is what makes the earth so awesome!! No one ever says "25% less Salt of the Earth" Cause then IT WOULDN'T BE AS GOOD!!

In these tough economic times, I resent that you are passing the extra 25% of salt costs onto hardworking folks such as myself. I'm now forced to purchase 25% more salt, to get you back to where it was in the first place! And guess What?! I DON'T OWN A SALT SHAKER because good food shouldn't require adding salt. Salt Shakers screw with my Feng Shui. I now must own 2 extra tools just to enjoy your soup.

I am saddened by your seeming "1 step forward, 2 steps back" philosophy. I just want things to be like the way there were!!! I had it all... WE had it all....

-Peter

Sure enough, I got a kind letter with 6 bucks worth of Campbells Soup Coupons! Chunky Soup is currently on sale at Loblaws!! I will FEAST!

Farting Ass.....Kick

So, if you haven't seen it... Go see Kick-Ass. Best movie of all time. I saw it twice. However, on my second viewing one of the speakers was blown, so whenever there was a low ominous tone, it sounded like someone farting.
A quick call to the theater (and a little exaggeration) got me 3 free tickets.
I will use these to watch it 3 more times.

Nothing particularly funny here (besides the movie) Just free stuff from complaining.

SWEEEEET!!!

-Peter

This is a mostly true story. I might have to follow it up with an in person visit, as rather than a proper email response, someone who clearly had no power to give me free stuff called me, and just apologized a lot. Boring. The plan is to return the bags, with leaves in them, to the store. Then see what happens. This is my second attempt on PC. They're pretty tough to get freebies out of....

Dear Loblaws.

I would like to tell you a little about my front lawn.
I, like most people in Ontario have a front lawn. Well, truthfully, it's more of a dirt patch.

Anyway, on this dirt patch is a large tree. It has leaves, and every fall the leaves fall onto my dirt patch. I read once that leaving the leaves over the winter insulates the grass underneath. I'm lazy, and any excuse to not do something I will use. And so I didn't rake my leaves off my dirt patch till last week.

I placed them in a big pile, and stuffed them in 4 of your "Lawn and Garden" bags. I then dutifully dragged the bags to the curb and awaited garbage pickup.

Upon returning home from a long days work producing my series of "Mike's Mad Muscles" videos (An exercise video series I encourage you to stock at your fine store) I found that the bags were still sitting.... still... in the place where I'd left them.

"Why Peter?" the bags pleaded.

"Why, would the garbage men leave us to rot on the curb, when all the other yard waste from your neighbors was collected?" They cried.

"Why Mr Bag of leaves..." I responded. "I don't know why. Are the garbage men racist?" I pondered.

So I ventured to the old "Google" (Have you seen this website? Amazing) to find out if garbage men are racist against bags of leaves... And discovered something.

Did you know that garbage men don't hate leaves at all. They just hate them when they're in CLEAR PLASTIC "LAWN AND GARDEN" BAGS!!!! They have to be in PAPER BAGS! Then the garbage men will accept them as one of their own, and collect them.

So...I realized your product isn't called "Lawn, garden and leaf bags", HOWEVER, it does have a photo of 3 bags filled with leaves. So, I'm assuming you do in fact want me to put my leaves in them.
And I do realize that you in no way insinuate that I should put these bags, once filled with leaves, out on the curb for yard waste collection.

So I consulted the box, hoping for instructions. The only instructions I found were "Do not use for food storage" Phew. I made sure there was no food in them, and still, they sat on the curb.

You've developed a product you can put leaves in. That's a great feat in itself. But, now I need you to develop a product that will magically transport my bags of leaves to some big magical composting station in the sky. Can you do that for me?

Because as it stands now, I have to dump all the leaves out of these bags BACK on to my lawn, then purchase ANOTHER box of paper bags, then REFILL those paper bags with my leaves.

As I mentioned at the start of this letter. I'm LAZY! I don't want to do this again.Even now, I'm writing this in bed because I don't feel like getting up. And it's 6pm. THAT'S how lazy I am.

So tell me Loblaws... Tell me what to do.

-Peter

Un-chunky soup for my toothless mouth.

I was losing hope this week, when a slew of complaints were met with deafening silence. However I returned home today only to find this little gem in my inbox.
I've won a small battle for toothless seniors everywhere.

The Letter

Dear Chunky.
I'm writing to request that you stop making your soup so chunky.
I've been a huge fan of Chunky soup for years. And as I approach my senior years, my teeth are not what they used to be. Perhaps it's the age, perhaps it's years of neglect. Perhaps I should have spent less money on your fabulous soups, and more on toothpaste, Scope, and a twice a year checkup. Regardless, I have trouble opening my beloved chunky soup with my arthritic hands. To add insult to injury, I can barely eat your soup, because I have no teeth. To stare at a piping hot bowl of Sirloin Burger, knowing that I can but look, though not touch, is too much for an (almost) senior, toothless man to handle. I am now forced to blend my chunky soup in my beloved Magic Bullet before I slurp its nutritious goodness.

I'm sure at Chunky headquarters you probably have a professional grade magic bullet that could blend a far superior blend of meat and vegetables, than my humble single serving unit.

So I am asking that you release a pre-blended line of "Unchunky" soup, in a microwavable bottle, with added calcium, and fluoride. You might as well throw some omega 3s and probiotics in there too. They seem to be all the rage.

I require no compensation for this new line of soups. Just a case of "Unchunky" soup when you release it, and a letter of thanks.

Till then, I will do my best to blend my own line of unchunky soups.

Yours very truly
-Peter

The Response

Mr Peter, we received your message and appreciate your taking the time to contact Campbell Soup Company. I'm sorry to hear that you were not completely satisfied with the Campbell's Chunky Ready-To-Serve Chicken with Rice Soup you purchased.

At Campbell, our number one priority is to delight our consumers. By bringing your comments to our attention, you have helped support our high quality standards.

Please accept the coupons we have sent to you via the mail with my apologies for any inconvenience you may have experienced. The coupons can be redeemed for any product in the Campbell family of brands including V8, Prego, Pace, and Pepperidge Farm.

We appreciate your interest in our company. Please contact our Consumer Response Center or visit Campbell's website if we can be of further assistance.

Thank you for visiting the Campbell Soup Company website.

Campbell Soup Company Web Team

The Booty

3 cans of Chicken Vegetable Chunky Soup! SWEEEEET!!!

Soymilk Hippy Girlfriend

I've had a bit of a dry spell with responses. Perhaps my letters are getting a little over the top. But that's sort of the fun of it.
Over the next few days, I'll be posting some of the letters that probably got pinned up next to the water cooler, but never got a response.

"Dear Nutrisoya

I'm writing to discuss your Natura soy milk.

I've been dating a woman for the past couple of years. She's a keeper if you ask me. She's fit, health conscious, and has a fantastic sense of humor.
However, in the past months she's changed. And I'm convinced your soy milk may have something to do with it.

Her sex drive has plummeted. It's almost impossible to initiate any type of intimate contact with her. Though frankly, I'm not so interested either, as she's stopped shaving her armpits, or legs, and refuses to shower more than 3 times a week. In addition to this, she's developed terrible habits such as clipping her toe nails in the living room, and using "alternative" forms of deoderant (which I can tell you, do not work) If I don't clean her clothes, they just don't get cleaned, and she has stopped eating meat all together, which troubles me, because all she eats now is vegetables. That CANT be good for you.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing you is that this all started about 6 months ago when she started drinking your soy milk. Now, don't get me wrong... I love your soymilk. Especially the unsweetened variety. But I've been doing research on the internet about soy products, and have repeatedly found reports that it causes hormonal imbalances when excessive amounts are introduced into the diet. My girlfriend drinks about 2 liters of the stuff a day. And I'm convinced it has something to do with her behavior. I've been drinking more of it, if only to prevent her from drinking it, sacrificing my own health in the process.

I urge you to put my mind at ease. I don't know what else to do.

Truly
-Peter"

Mold in my cottage cheese.

This is one of the first "more sincere" attempts at free stuff. It was actually based in reality.

The Letter

Hey Folks.

So I''m a regular buyer of your Nordica low fat cottage cheese. This
morning I got up for breakfast only to peel back the unopened seal and
find a big black gob of mold festering on the inside of the seal. The
Best before date is set for December. Gross!!!
I have some pics if you'd like to see them, however it will likely
ruin your appetite as well.

Yours Truly

Peter

The Response
(An obviously boring form letter)

Good afternoon and thank you for your email.

Thank you for advising us of your experience with our product and I am
sorry for any inconvenience you may have incurred. I regret that the
product that you have purchased has not been totally satisfying.

The information you provided has been forwarded to the appropriate
department for their attention and investigation.

Customer satisfaction is of the utmost importance to us. I would be
happy to send you coupons, if you can please advise you complete
address. Thank you for the information on the product.

Feel free to check out our great recipe ideas on our website
www.gayleafoods.com , which we hope you will enjoy.

Have a wonderful day

Kim Jesson
Customer Service Representative
kjesson@gayleafoods.com
Direct Line (905) 283-5238
Gay Lea Foods Co-operative Ltd
www.gayleafoods.com

My Response

Hey Kim.

I contacted you two weeks ago regarding the purchase of a large tub of fat free cottage cheese with a gross mold infestation upon opening. I was assured coupons to refund the cottage cheese and have not yet received anything. Please see that they are sent out soon. I can feel my body's protein reserves depleting, and am finding myself terribly fatigued.

-P

Kim's Response

Good morning and thank you for your email.

I am not sure why the coupons did not make it to you. I will send out more right away. Please contact me should you have any questions.

The Booty

I got me 2 free tubs of Nordica Fat Free Cottage Cheese. SWEEET!

Tropicana Boobie Trap

Welcome to the Complain for Free Stuff blog, where I write weird ass letters of complaint in an effort to get free stuff.
This went out to Tropicana.

The Letter

Hey Folks.

Big fan of your Juice. Not such a fan of your 2.63L lid seals. They're designed in such a way that when peeled off, the last bit of force flips juice up all over me, my clothing and my floor. This has happened twice out of the 2 times Ive purchased these jugs of juice That's a 100% success rate of making me wash my face, change my shirt and mop my floor, and a 0% success rate of me getting up in the morning opening a jug of juice and enjoying the 3 minutes that follow this action. I will not purchase another one of these god forsaken boobie traps until you change it.
Yours Truly
Peter

The Response

Hi Peter:

Thanks for contacting us about our new SNAP cap packaging. We appreciate the opportunity to address your concerns.

Our decision to improve our bottle was not recent. Based upon feedback from families where children pour their own juice, we began working on this new package concept more than two years ago. The idea was to have an innovative cap that easily and securely sealed just by pressing on it, and one that easily poured without "glugging", the primary reason for spilling.

Prior to changing we undertook extensive consumer testing to ensure a secure seal. We are very sorry to hear about your disappointment with the new cap as the change was made in the best interest of our consumers. Please be assured that feedback from consumers, such as yourself, do influence decisions, and your comments have been shared with our marketing group.

Again, thanks for your input and sharing your concerns and we have taken the liberty of sending several vouchers for replacement product to the address you provided.

The Free Shit.

This got me 4 jugs of Tropicana Extra Pulp OJ.
SWEEET!!!