Un-chunky soup for my toothless mouth.

I was losing hope this week, when a slew of complaints were met with deafening silence. However I returned home today only to find this little gem in my inbox.
I've won a small battle for toothless seniors everywhere.

The Letter

Dear Chunky.
I'm writing to request that you stop making your soup so chunky.
I've been a huge fan of Chunky soup for years. And as I approach my senior years, my teeth are not what they used to be. Perhaps it's the age, perhaps it's years of neglect. Perhaps I should have spent less money on your fabulous soups, and more on toothpaste, Scope, and a twice a year checkup. Regardless, I have trouble opening my beloved chunky soup with my arthritic hands. To add insult to injury, I can barely eat your soup, because I have no teeth. To stare at a piping hot bowl of Sirloin Burger, knowing that I can but look, though not touch, is too much for an (almost) senior, toothless man to handle. I am now forced to blend my chunky soup in my beloved Magic Bullet before I slurp its nutritious goodness.

I'm sure at Chunky headquarters you probably have a professional grade magic bullet that could blend a far superior blend of meat and vegetables, than my humble single serving unit.

So I am asking that you release a pre-blended line of "Unchunky" soup, in a microwavable bottle, with added calcium, and fluoride. You might as well throw some omega 3s and probiotics in there too. They seem to be all the rage.

I require no compensation for this new line of soups. Just a case of "Unchunky" soup when you release it, and a letter of thanks.

Till then, I will do my best to blend my own line of unchunky soups.

Yours very truly
-Peter

The Response

Mr Peter, we received your message and appreciate your taking the time to contact Campbell Soup Company. I'm sorry to hear that you were not completely satisfied with the Campbell's Chunky Ready-To-Serve Chicken with Rice Soup you purchased.

At Campbell, our number one priority is to delight our consumers. By bringing your comments to our attention, you have helped support our high quality standards.

Please accept the coupons we have sent to you via the mail with my apologies for any inconvenience you may have experienced. The coupons can be redeemed for any product in the Campbell family of brands including V8, Prego, Pace, and Pepperidge Farm.

We appreciate your interest in our company. Please contact our Consumer Response Center or visit Campbell's website if we can be of further assistance.

Thank you for visiting the Campbell Soup Company website.

Campbell Soup Company Web Team

The Booty

3 cans of Chicken Vegetable Chunky Soup! SWEEEEET!!!

Soymilk Hippy Girlfriend

I've had a bit of a dry spell with responses. Perhaps my letters are getting a little over the top. But that's sort of the fun of it.
Over the next few days, I'll be posting some of the letters that probably got pinned up next to the water cooler, but never got a response.

"Dear Nutrisoya

I'm writing to discuss your Natura soy milk.

I've been dating a woman for the past couple of years. She's a keeper if you ask me. She's fit, health conscious, and has a fantastic sense of humor.
However, in the past months she's changed. And I'm convinced your soy milk may have something to do with it.

Her sex drive has plummeted. It's almost impossible to initiate any type of intimate contact with her. Though frankly, I'm not so interested either, as she's stopped shaving her armpits, or legs, and refuses to shower more than 3 times a week. In addition to this, she's developed terrible habits such as clipping her toe nails in the living room, and using "alternative" forms of deoderant (which I can tell you, do not work) If I don't clean her clothes, they just don't get cleaned, and she has stopped eating meat all together, which troubles me, because all she eats now is vegetables. That CANT be good for you.

Anyway, the reason I'm writing you is that this all started about 6 months ago when she started drinking your soy milk. Now, don't get me wrong... I love your soymilk. Especially the unsweetened variety. But I've been doing research on the internet about soy products, and have repeatedly found reports that it causes hormonal imbalances when excessive amounts are introduced into the diet. My girlfriend drinks about 2 liters of the stuff a day. And I'm convinced it has something to do with her behavior. I've been drinking more of it, if only to prevent her from drinking it, sacrificing my own health in the process.

I urge you to put my mind at ease. I don't know what else to do.

Truly
-Peter"