Mold in my cottage cheese.

This is one of the first "more sincere" attempts at free stuff. It was actually based in reality.

The Letter

Hey Folks.

So I''m a regular buyer of your Nordica low fat cottage cheese. This
morning I got up for breakfast only to peel back the unopened seal and
find a big black gob of mold festering on the inside of the seal. The
Best before date is set for December. Gross!!!
I have some pics if you'd like to see them, however it will likely
ruin your appetite as well.

Yours Truly

Peter

The Response
(An obviously boring form letter)

Good afternoon and thank you for your email.

Thank you for advising us of your experience with our product and I am
sorry for any inconvenience you may have incurred. I regret that the
product that you have purchased has not been totally satisfying.

The information you provided has been forwarded to the appropriate
department for their attention and investigation.

Customer satisfaction is of the utmost importance to us. I would be
happy to send you coupons, if you can please advise you complete
address. Thank you for the information on the product.

Feel free to check out our great recipe ideas on our website
www.gayleafoods.com , which we hope you will enjoy.

Have a wonderful day

Kim Jesson
Customer Service Representative
kjesson@gayleafoods.com
Direct Line (905) 283-5238
Gay Lea Foods Co-operative Ltd
www.gayleafoods.com

My Response

Hey Kim.

I contacted you two weeks ago regarding the purchase of a large tub of fat free cottage cheese with a gross mold infestation upon opening. I was assured coupons to refund the cottage cheese and have not yet received anything. Please see that they are sent out soon. I can feel my body's protein reserves depleting, and am finding myself terribly fatigued.

-P

Kim's Response

Good morning and thank you for your email.

I am not sure why the coupons did not make it to you. I will send out more right away. Please contact me should you have any questions.

The Booty

I got me 2 free tubs of Nordica Fat Free Cottage Cheese. SWEEET!

Tropicana Boobie Trap

Welcome to the Complain for Free Stuff blog, where I write weird ass letters of complaint in an effort to get free stuff.
This went out to Tropicana.

The Letter

Hey Folks.

Big fan of your Juice. Not such a fan of your 2.63L lid seals. They're designed in such a way that when peeled off, the last bit of force flips juice up all over me, my clothing and my floor. This has happened twice out of the 2 times Ive purchased these jugs of juice That's a 100% success rate of making me wash my face, change my shirt and mop my floor, and a 0% success rate of me getting up in the morning opening a jug of juice and enjoying the 3 minutes that follow this action. I will not purchase another one of these god forsaken boobie traps until you change it.
Yours Truly
Peter

The Response

Hi Peter:

Thanks for contacting us about our new SNAP cap packaging. We appreciate the opportunity to address your concerns.

Our decision to improve our bottle was not recent. Based upon feedback from families where children pour their own juice, we began working on this new package concept more than two years ago. The idea was to have an innovative cap that easily and securely sealed just by pressing on it, and one that easily poured without "glugging", the primary reason for spilling.

Prior to changing we undertook extensive consumer testing to ensure a secure seal. We are very sorry to hear about your disappointment with the new cap as the change was made in the best interest of our consumers. Please be assured that feedback from consumers, such as yourself, do influence decisions, and your comments have been shared with our marketing group.

Again, thanks for your input and sharing your concerns and we have taken the liberty of sending several vouchers for replacement product to the address you provided.

The Free Shit.

This got me 4 jugs of Tropicana Extra Pulp OJ.
SWEEET!!!

Extreme Fitness Fliers

Welcome to the Complain for Free Stuff blog, where I write weird ass letters of complaint in an effort to get free stuff.

I'm going to start this blog with a double team attempt on behalf of my Room mate and I. Though it didn't get us any free stuff, It was a valiant effort. The guys name was Marc.

Part 1

"Good evening,

I'm writing to command that my home address be removed from your marketing list. I get so many flyers from Extreme Fitness and they all go directly into the recycling. I don't even read one word on them (other than the words "Extreme" and "Fitness"). I am already very healthy from daily windsprints and my self-produced pushup videos (this is also how I'm rich). My muscles are pretty super huge, not to toot my own horn or anything. So you're wasting your marketing budget on my house, Please send me no more flyers.

Good luck and happy new year!

MIKE "

Part 2

"Good evening Marc.

I just saw that my room mate Mike just sent you an email regarding your fliers. I appreciate fitness. So I respect you. I think we'd probably get along real well if we met. So, as your new friend, I need you to stop these fliers. Because... it actually goes way deeper than just "oh gee... look at the garbage in my mailbox"

Y'see. Mike is... well. He's OCD. He's kind of obsessed with recycling. He recycles everything!! He actually tried to recycle my cat last week. He left me a note to not leave my cat around because he's going to go "directly into the recycling"

The thing is... I actually got rid of my cat because when Little Mike (That's what we call him as a joke, because he's HUGE! Pipes the size of my head!) wants something... you gotta do it. Not cause he'll hurt anyone. But when his OCD gets outta hand, sometimes he actually tries to recycle himself. He didn't come home last Wednesday, and just when I was about to call the cops in the morning, his girlfriend found him almost hypothermic, stuffed into the recylcing box. He was mumbling something about becoming one with the pulp of the paper so some shit. I don't know. If it wasn't for his huge muscles... And all the Extreme Fitness Fliers in the recycling bin, he'd probably have frozen to death. So I guess I DO have that to thank you for.

Anyway, I gotta get back to it. I'm working the camera for his new push-up video. I think we're going to title it:

"Mike's Mad Muscles XII
That part of the floor stinks, push it away from your god damn face!"

Hey Marc.
From a Brah' to a Brah'. I really appreciate you helping me out with this one. Mike's a good brah, and I don't want anything bad to happen to him.

Take it easy Brah'!"

The Response

Thanks for your email.

This is done directly with Canada Post. Simply let them know that you do not wish to receive Direct Mail by posting a notice on your mail box.

We have no ability to define Direct Mail addresses.

Marcus Boekelman
Director of Marketing